cause i felt like it, thats why

10 defeatist responses to ‘10 ways to boost your courage and get what you want out of life’ (nine to five magazine, issue 808, 19.7.04, p19):
 
holiday on your own
 
sure, just make sure you find someone to cling on to for dear life as soon as you reach your destination. someone who only went  on vacation alone for lack of anyone else willing to go with them. just like you.  and hey, maybe they'll be just desperate enough to shag you.
 
make the first move
 
are you insane? and forfeit the only thing keeping you (me) going through the dismal reality that is your (my) existence? without your (my) constant companions - painful longing and self-deprecation – you (i) have nothing. nothing.
 
ask for a raise
 
why not? the worst that can happen is you end up unemployed, homeless and hungry because you didn’t realise that management was on to your intra-office internet porn ring and your demands for more money gave them the perfect excuse to fire your lousy arse without causing a scandal.
 
learn to say no
 
especially in regards to silly demands placed on you in the name of "friendship" and/or "obligation". and to all activities that may take you out of your pessimistic little cocoon and induce you into experiencing horrid feelings of happiness and enjoyment like some sort of tree-hugging hippy.
 
get rid of a toxic friend
 
so maybe its time to bid farewell to your dealer, but this doesn't mean you have to kick the coke habit altogether. once you're rid of the scumbag, his body decomposing peacefully at the bottom of the harbour, you can take over the business, get rich, get laid, and get killed by one of your badass cronies who wants your money and your fly bitch for himself.
 
stand up for yourself
 
unless of course you're a one-legged midget and have in fact been trying to do just that your entire life but people just don't take you seriously cause you keep falling into their crotches every time you try to stand up and be counted. and if you're not a one-legged midget, don't bother, noone cares what you have to say anyway.
 
send back a bad meal
 
as if the pimple-faced 14 year-old night manager at mcdonalds gives a f*#k that your big mac is "a litttle dry" and your chips "rather soggy". who do you think you are, royalty or something? eat your food and stop complaining. if you send it back, they'll just spit in it and serve it to you again.
 
ask for a refund
 
go ahead and try, but last time i checked drugs, whores and stolen firearms were all non-refundable. although i have heard that you can now put them on your visa.
 
push your limits
 
you can do anything you set your mind to. so leave the couch for more than 10 minutes today. get salt'n'vinegar chips instead of plain. watch dr. phil instead of oprah. ring a psychic rather than a phone sex operator. use your left hand instead of your right. actually, why bother trying to shake up your life? you're just going to end up fat and alone anyway.
 
change careers
 
great idea. we should all quit our bottomfeeder jobs where we aren't appreciated or respected so we can find new jobs in which we aren't appreciated or respected and spend all our days  dreaming of machiavellian ways to murder every person in the company with better positions than us (which sadly includes the coffee chick and the guy who empties the rubbish bins once a week).