why i'm letting down the feminist revolution

- i still wait for the boy to make the first move.

- if he ever actually makes that move, i then wait for him to call.

- if he does by some miracle call i giggle like a schoolgirl at least three times throughout the conversation.

- if he suggests an outing of some sort (i believe they're called "dates") i agonise every minute until then over what i will wear.

- if i can't decide what to wear on said date, i base my decision on whatever gives me the biggest breasts and the smallest waist.

- if there is no call, or no date, i dress like this every day until i get over him just in case i see him on the train/at the supermarket/anywhere at all. this, of course, never happens. but my cleavage does score me a few free drinks from the bartender at my local.

- if we go to dinner, i will order something small and carb-free, and then only eat half of it anyway so he thinks i'm demure and don't eat very much. just to clarify: i'm not, and i do.

- if the situation/relationship/fantasy ends abruptly at any stage, or never happens in the first place, i decide it is because my arse is too big and immediately embark on a rigorous no-carb diet and thrice daily boxercise regime.

- i begin calling all of my girlfriends each and every day and blubbering to each of them for a hours at a time about how fat and unlovable i am. when they stop answering my calls, i start calling their boyfriends instead.

- when their boyfriends change their numbers, i read cosmo, cleo, marie claire and elle from cover to cover in search of answers. i end up very confused because cosmo says i should "stop thinking about that zero, and find me a hero", while cleo is telling me to "take control of my life and sms my crush after pilates class".

- after i regain consciousness in hospital after passing out from carb-deprived starvation and boxercise overload, i feel a secret pride, as i now have something in common with mary-kate olsen. "maybe i can sell my story to new idea", i think to myself. however, i have noone to share my joy with because i have no friends and no boyfriend.

- when my doctor comes to check up on me, i instantly fall in love with him and feel that he has special feelings for me too. after all i am, like, soooooooooooooooooooooooo skinny now. boys love that.

- when i go home i buy 3 new pairs of shoes and a black lace push-up bra for when i see the doctor next.

- and then i wait for him to call.