not sure what's gotten into me

new-age cult leader and rock eisteddfod junkie ms fits asked me if my hip hop dance classes are in any way connected to my dazzling past career as a rock eisteddfod frontliner. there is in fact no connection to speak of (except the dancing link), but i have devised a rock eisteddfod entry, dedicated to my wacky hungarian dance teacher, and my wonderful hungarian beautician.

"Hungary Eyes"

A lonely young girl with hungarian roots traced back to her great grandparents* dances a melancholy solo on stage to britney's "everytime", conveying to the audience through her overstated movements, her tattered brown lycra catsuit, and her miming of the words that she is an ugly boyfriendless loser with no talent.

Her fairy godmother/hungarian beautician appears on stage, suspended from a flying fox, dressed in a dazzling fuscia lycra catsuit adorned with sequins and feathers, and tells the girl (in a thick accent that conjures images of goulash and caravans) that she has been granted three wishes.

"I want to be beautiful", mimes the girl, a few seconds ahead of the prerecorded voiceover.

Suddenly, 100 plump little teenagers dressed as tweezers, eyelash curlers, and pots of wax burst onto stage in a frenzy of starjumps and spirit fingers and dance in horrible line formations to a remixed techno version of "beautiful" by xtina aguilera. when the music stops, they all freeze with their backs to the audience to create the illusion that they aren't there at all. it doesn't really work.

"And vot do you vont for ze second vish" booms the voiceover.

"To dance as well as my hungarian hip hop teacher" mimes the girl, again missing her cue.

On stage walks a schoolboy who has committed social suicide by joining the rock eisteddfod, thus admitting to the much circulated rumours and many toilet wall scribblings that he is in fact a raging homosexual. He plays the part of the hungarian hip hop master, and with his well coiffed hair and stylish b-boy clothes, he dances a powerful duet with the heroine, where he pretends to teach her to booty dance, while it is painfully obvious to the audience that she is already well on her way to being a parramatta eels cheerleader. This is all done in time to destiny's child's "bootyliscious" of course.

"And lastly, i wish for the war in iraq to end, and for people everywhere to be free and happy. I WANT TO HEAL THE WORLD", says the girl, finally getting the timing right.

And with a wave of her magic straightening wand, the hungarian fairy godmother grants this last wish, and the three leads dance a short routine to the first few verses of michael jackson's "heal the world", until the cd jolts and cuts unsmoothly to kylie's outdated yet too-inspiring-to-ignore "celebrate", and all the fatty boombas dressed as tweezers and waxpots unfreeze themselves and dance their little hearts out for the finale, until the music stops and they all freeze once again, arms outstretched in peace signs, showing off their vaseline covered pearly whites, and hoping that their teacher won't be mad that they fucked up the last 8 counts of the dance.

*for all of you out there who are oblivious to the power of metaphor, that's me you fools.