we've got a schmitzy kind of love

i'd really appreciate some sympathy for the pressure i am under to make with the good funnies about the same weekend as already written about so charmingly by this here lady.

i have been struggling with deep feelings of inadequacy ever since she swayed a fishnet-covered hip in my direction*, and though i put on a brave face and blog like a trooper, i am always conscious of my place in our relationship. i am the skipper to her barbie, the baby to her johnny, the george in her beatles cover tribute band.

but despite my affirmed place in her (bitesized) shadow, she certainly appeared to be having a good time on her second visit to sydney. i could tell this from all the smiling and the laughing and the fake orgasm noises.

however the voices in my head insist on reminding me that she was a child actor, and therefore i must QUESTION EVERYTHING she says and does at all times in case she is just playing pretends.

here are some other things the voices in my head WON'T FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT:

"YOU TOOK A WRITER TO SEE SOME PLAYS THAT YOU KNEW NOTHING ABOUT? ARE YOU MENTAL?"

- yes, yes i am. another glass of crazyjuice please bartender, i ain't done here yet.

"AND YOU LAUGHED OUT LOUD DURING THE BITS INVOLVING BABY-RAPE, INCEST AND BOGAN EYE-GOUGING?"

- u-huh. why? is that wrong? my bad.

"YOU LET DANIEL BOUD TAKE A PHOTO OF YOUR NIPPLE IN A PUBLIC BAR? WHAT KIND OF SLUTTY SLUTFACE FROM SLUTSVILLE ARE YOU?"

- oh dear, you know about that? i didn't think anyone saw. he promised me not to put it on his blog. i believe him too. he's nice like that. i think. i hope. oh god.

"YOU WERE WAITING OUTSIDE THE LECTURE THEATRE LIKE A CRAZY A.V.O-DEFYING PSYCHO STALKER WHEN SHE FINISHED HER SPEECH ?"

- she texted me and asked me too. she did. its true. ask her if you want. why are you being so mean to me?

"YOU MADE COMMENTS ABOUT POLITICAL MATTERS WHILE READING THE PAPER WITH HER: A SEASONED POLITICAL COMMENTATOR?"

- what? i'm smart and savvy and stuff. john howard bad. mark latham good. see?

"YOU FIDDLED WITH HER BOOBIES, UNINVITED, WHILE SHE WAS TRYING ON DRESSES?"

- they needed a tweak. i was only trying to help.

"YOU LET HER BUY YOU AN EXPENSIVE DINNER IN A SWANKY-PANTS JOINT AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN OFFER TO PUT OUT AFTERWARDS?"

- is that what people do when other people buy them dinner? i wouldn't know.

*makes sad pouty innocent face*

"YOU LET THE HOTNESS THAT IS TOBY SCHMITZ SIT IN THE SAME PUB AS THE TWO OF YOU AND YOU DIDN'T OFFER TO MAKE A SCHMITZEL SANDWICH OUT OF HIM?"

- this one i will never forgive myself for. and i can safely assume neither will she.

"YOU CONTINUED TO SMS (AND EVEN CALL) HER FOR HOURS AFTER SHE'D RETURNED TO HER HOME TO LAUGH ABOUT YOU WITH HER FRIENDS AND BE STALKED BY OTHER PSYCHO BLOGFREAKS?"

- please go now, scary random head voices, i'm frightened and ashamed of myself and i need to find a big sharp knife.

"AND NOW YOU'RE PLANNING A TRIP TO MELBOURNE SO YOU CAN STALK HER IN HER NATURAL HABITAT? YOU REALLY ARE SICK AREN'T YOU?"

- you got me there.

*this is a metaphor for the first time she commented on my blog. do you see how bad i am at this? do you? i can't even write a clear fucking metaphor. oh, the shame of it all.