the story of how toto got screwed

you know how i told you that on the weekend i went to see the schmitz's play? "no"? what do you mean "no"? have you not been paying attention to anything i've said? and "who's the schmitz" you say? fuck me, have i been talking to myself here? do any of you actually read this blog?

*moment of enlightenment*

well, anyway last friday night i went to see 'this blasted earth' at the old fitzroy hotel. it was cowritten by travis cotton and actor/writer/blogfucker toby schmitz (who i assume will be taking out an avo on me as soon as he re-enters the country). and it was the funniest. play. ever.

go see it. go see it now. or your children will be butt ugly and they'll live with you forever.

but i am not here to talk about the schmitz (for a change). nor about the fantastic piece of playwriting he and his friend so kindly gave the world for christmas. no, i am here to present you with a bit of dialogue. one of those surprising interactions that make you laugh so hard that tequila comes out of your nose and a whole pub of strangers stare at you in horror.

the conversation was between my stunning friend lisa s. and random sleazy drunk guy #5. he followed random sleazy drunk guys #1 through #4 who attempted in vain to make with the flirting with lisa s. and i. well, really just with her, i was just standing next to her. because you see, not only is lisa s. absolutely a treat to gaze upon, but she is also - unlike myself and most of my female brethren - totally friendly and approachable. lovely girl. *sigh*

and so the conversation went:

rsdg #5: (imagine incoherent 8th grader with a learning disability) hey girlsh, ya'memba when in the wishard of osh, how everyone gots sumthink?

lisa s.: yes.

me: *rolls eyes*

rsdg #5: (putting arms around both of us) likes, the lion gots da heart or sumthink, and like da shcarecrow gots the udda stuff, and likes...yeah...ya know?

lisa s.: yes. i remember.

me: *removes arm from shoulder*

*stares blankly*

rsdg #5: well, like, what did the dog get, huh? you know...like...um...whats hish name...toto? yeah, what did toto get?

lisa s.: TOTO GOT SCREWED. *removes arm from shoulder, turns abruptly and heads off in search of more tequila*

me: *laughs hysterically*

*praises lisa s.*

*wants to make tshirt*

i just love it when people do something so completely out of character but in a totally good and funny-making way.

gold.

oh, and speaking of the unexpected, do you have any idea what its like to be drinking at a pub with the girls, and to look up and see a bunch of kids from the youth centre you have volunteered at for 4 years walk in? kids you have tutored, counselled, and taught how to use condoms effectively? do you know what its like to then walk up to them all authoritarian-like and demand to know what they're doing being in a pub on a school night, only to have them remind you that they're all 18 and finished high school?

no?

well, its horrifying. absolutely fucking horrifying. and depressing. i'm getting old.