mile high baby

plane travel will never cease to amaze me. i have yet to go on one flight during which i don't at some point think to myself:

"how the fuck is it possible that this huge-ass inanimate object can carry this many huge-assed people through the sky and not fall down?"

this is not to say that i am a neurotic flyer. nor that i myself have a huge ass for that matter.

sure sometimes i grab the armrest in fear during takeoff*. who doesn't? and i have also been known to clutch the thigh of the passenger next to me in more turbulent of travels, but only if he's young, hot and looking to join a certain airborn club with me**.

but honestly the majority of the time i am the calmest girl from calmsville eva. as long as i have a trashy mag to entertain me, a travel bud to bug, and/or a constant supply of mini vodka bottles, i am sated and smiling.

but the last plane i caught, on my way home from fantasy to reality, was NOT FUN.

it was delayed. it was storming like a bitch in a teacup. and there was a slimy business type sitting next to me who kept "accidentally" touching me. the bastard even somehow managed to rip my stocking. don't even bother asking how. i'm still confused myself. not to mention violated.

but there was one thing about this hellish journey that was worse than all of the aforementioned calamities. worse than the waiting. worse than the stormy turbulence. and yes, even worse than jack the ripper. this was something so bad that it made me tighten my grip on the armrest and consider death as a better alternative to spending one more fucking moment on that airborne virgin.

beloved blogreaders, this was a short flight. a flight of approximately 106 minutes from take-off to landing. a flight i have done a thousand times in both directions and will probably do a thousand and one times more. but it was a flight that will forever be burned in my memory for the simple reason that...

THEY FUCKING PLAYED DELTA GOODREM'S LATEST ALBUM FOR THE ENTIRE DURATION OF THE JOURNEY AND I DIDN'T HAVE ANY WAY OF BLOCKING OUT THE HORRIBLE NOISE.

its lucky i started back on the medication this week anyway cause otherwise i might have gone straight back into the "dark place" and never, ever reemerged.



*cause that will definitely prevent my bloody death in the event of a crash or explosion.

**unfortunately he's usually old, balding and looking at my tits instead.