who wants to be my bridesmaid?

the other day some of my girlfriends and i were discussing our possible future weddings (i'm neither for nor against the institution of marriage on principle). unfortunately we were not in our underwear having pillow fights and giving each other hickies, cause that would have made for a better story. and a damn good night.

so we were playing the 'if i were to get married now, my bridesmaids would be...' game. you know the one. i'm sure you've all played it. even you, sidebottom.

i realised that i would run into much difficulty were i to get hitched now, as i am like, so popular, and it would be hard to choose a few bridesmaids from my myriad of wonderful, HOT friends. not to mention all my male buddies who may take issue with wearing a dress and stilettos to watch me say "i do".

admittedly i need not concern myself too much with this matter as i currently have neither a groom nor any real prospects of such. but who knows when someone will up and pop the question. perhaps the schmitz. or perhaps stuart charles, the hot hott hottie tropfest finalist who made jizz come out of my nose last night just by standing on stage in all his hotness.

*drools*

*a lot*

anyway i have devised a reality tv show to help my plight in the future, should i ever find myself up the duff and opting to marry whichever useless slob impregnated me. because modern television has taught me that every problem can be solved through reality tv. and this is no exception. so without further adieu, here is my idea:

WHO WANTS TO BE MY BRIDESMAID?

here's how it works. take:

- 1 HOT groom;

- 11 of my bestest friends (gender non-specific);

- 1 actor who has been pretending to be a good friend for years;

- 1 vapid, mutton-dressed-as-lamb, charisma-challenged host;

- 3 judges: the tell-it-like-it-is hater, the sickly sweet mother-type, and the over-coiffed fool;

- 1 monotone voiceover with an air of dictatorial authority;

- 1 ubiquitous quiz master;

- 5 annoying homosexual men;

- A handful of d-grade celebrity has-beens;

- 1 corporate mogul gazillionaire who should be able to afford a better hairpiece;

- A team of cosmetic surgeons, dentists, stylists and trainers.

and put them all on an island far, far away from known civilisation. this could be kranki's island. or it could be somewhere that actually exists.

then run them through a series of tasks and transformations to fight it out for the ultimate glory of being one of my bridesmaids. this will include:

- going out on a date with my hottie groom and resisting his (false) sleazy advances. she who puts out must get out;

- working out whom among them is "the mole";

- competing against each other on live national television in the world's richest quiz show: 'who knows la nadine the best'?

- a series of outdoor challenges to prove their ability to survive the australian outback (in heels of course);

- letting the gay brigade invade their lives, trash their property and make them look like haggard drag queens;

- undergoing whatever cosmetic surgery i deem necessary to transorm them all from ugly losers into beautiful swans;

- developing an eating disorder and being hospitalised for exhaustion due to the mandatory diet and exersize regime developed especially for the show by mary-kate olsen (cocaine addiction optional);

- drunken karaoke talent show to be my wedding idol;

- pairing up with a d-grade celebrity to perform outdated dance routines to terrible music;

- weekly tribal ceremonies to vote each other off. the evicted contestant cuts a pink over-emboroidered bouffant dress to shreds as their parting symbol;

- wet tshirt contests, mud fights and jelly wrestling. of course.

the winners are also invited to join the cast of neighbours and to whore themselves out to various magazines and tabloid tv shows to expose "what really happened" on the island. then they are officially entered into the d-grade celeb database for appearances in the reality tv shows and celebrity tennis matches of the future.

so, who wants to be my bridesmaid?

and my groom for that matter?