reasons i would make a better pope than the german dude

- okay, so maybe i'm jewish, but i know all the words to 'silent night' and 'the little drummer boy'. plus, i totally believe in santa, i don't care what anyone says.

- i am, like, so conservative. like right now i am wearing a twin set and flat shoes. oh, and pearls. and there's nothing more conservative than pearls.

- i'd look way hot riding around town in the pope-mobile, blowing kisses to all the cute boys in the crowd.

- i am going through a painfully long dry spell actively celibate and against sex before marriage.

- i give away free condoms at youth sex education seminars am totally against all forms of contraception and don't care that about 25 million sub-saharan africans are living with hiv/aids.

- i support same-sex marriage and equal civil rights for homosexuals believe homosexuality is a sin and all that clever stuff about adam-and-eve-not-adam-and-steve. stupid pansy boys and carpet eaters.

- i abhor any treatment of women as inferior and am disgusted that we still live in a society where as a woman i have to prove myself to be twice as better as a man to get even half as far as him believe women have legs so they can walk from the bedroom to the kitchen. and mouths so they can go "ooh aaah ooh ooh aaah". and arms so they can cook my dinner bitch i'm hungry.

- i advocate a woman's right to choose as an inherent and inarguable human right hate baby-killers. sluts, all of 'em.

- i would have picked a way better name than 'benedict xvi'. like 'baroness carlotta van helsenbergermamasutra'. or 'scarlet warrior vixen, protector of all and sundry'. or 'la nizzle fo shizzle'.

and on that note, the gals in my office have created a game to finding your pope name. its totally easy, and way fun for the whole family. its very similar to the find your porn name game. and you all remember what a party that was.

your pope name is calculated by adding together the make of your first car and the way you like your eggs cooked. then add how old you were when you lost your cherry in roman numerals at the end and hey presto! you'll be banning birth control in no time.

for example, my pope name in this game would be 'holden poached xviii'. and my manager would be 'renault overeasy xv'.

sorry to any vegan virgins who can't drive out there. you'll have to make up your own pope name game.

so then, if you were elected to the papalcy, what would your pope name be?