and now i'm lovesick...

la nadine: a medical retrospective:

1981 - i entered this world in a style befitting of a true drama queen: choking on my umbilical chord and gasping for my first breaths. definitely a portent of things to come.

1983 - the first time i cracked my head open. that's right, the first time. it was my big sister's first day of big school and i just felt she was getting way to much attention so i jumped head first into a gutter. that learnt 'em.

1984 - i had a hernia removed from my left hip bone. i remember distinctly that i was watching gremlins with my sister when they came to get me for the surgery. i also remember wondering why the hell they couldn't think of somewhere other than my bottom to stick the long, jabby thing.

- two weeks after returning home from the hospital, my mum found another hernia on my right hip bone. i've always been all about the symmetry. i swear i remember a lovely nurse called barbie with long blonde hair and big boobies. although many of my memories have been tainted by porn so i could be wrong on that one.

1985 - the first time my adenoids were removed. that's right, the first time. i remember wishing i could always eat that much jelly and ice-cream.

1986 - i cracked my head open for the second time. all i remember is a spiral staircase, the promise of chocolate at the bottom, and some very guilty looking bigger kids staring at all the blood in fearful horror.

- i cracked my head open for the third time. that's right, the third time. trampolines are evil bastards. especially when you attempt to backflip off them.

1987 - a horrific roller-skating accident landed me in emergency with a gazillion splinters on the palms of my hands. the incident involved a psycho dog, a telegraph pole and a whole lot of fucking pain.

1988 - my burgeoning career as an ethnic folk musician was cut short when my gypsy-style ukelele/banjo thing attacked me. i was merrily composing music for my new album when one of the strings snapped and forced itself through my thumb. i haven't been able to listen to a gypsy kings album without crying since. and that hurts.

1990 - i was bitten by a seal. read about it here. i can't bear to relive the painful memories again.

1996 - i broke my little toe when a thirty year old mentally challenged man stepped on it in a drama class. that's all i'll say about that for fear of appearing unsympathetic to certain minorities. but it never healed properly. and to this day it tingles when my best friend gets lucky.

1997 - the second time my adenoids were removed. that's right, the persistent little fuckers grew back. but this time, an evil demon disguised as an ear/nose/throat doctor had the bright idea of taking my tonsils out at the same time. consider this a warning people: if your tonsils are still occupying space in your throat, HANG ON TO THE SQUISHY LITTLE BUGGERS FOR DEAR LIFE! because...

- five days after the operation, five days of excruciating pain like you will never know (unless you give birth or get shot or something), i woke up in the middle of the night bleeding from the mouth. SERIOUSLY FUCKING BLEEDING! we're talking blood-soaked sheets and enough left to fill a bucket on the way to the hospital. you think you've seen a lot of blood? you ain't seen nothing. and then...

- five days after that, IT FUCKING HAPPENED AGAIN! this time i actually went back to sleep in hope the blood would just go away, risking both my life and my mother's linen. but the salty liquid just kept coming and an hour later i was back in the car with a bucket on my lap and a vampire's smile.

1998 - i severely threw my neck out go-go dancing while on tour with my then theatre company. go-go dancing is a dangerous activity people. but fuck is it fun.

2000 - another operation. this time in my womanly regions. i will refrain from further elaboration. i would like to maintain my male readership. and (what's left of) my dignity.

2002 - it was new years day and exactly one week before i was to fly to thailand for a trashy girlie holiday. i woke up at the boud's house in cursed agony. it seemed that the skin on the soles of my feet had been all but peeled off. but before you go accusing the boud of sadism, i accept full responsibility for the incident (and i seriously doubt he remembers anyway). stupid velvet thongs! suffice to say i was on crutches for the next week and unable to swim for the first 2 weeks of my trip.

2003 - the tear gas incident. that's right, the tear gas incident. could i be any cooler? i certainly think not. it was during a riot at my university in chile. man, those chileans know how to put on a good riot! i wasn't actually rioting myself, but rather trying to make it back to my house from class without being trampled on or hit by a molotov cocktail. my friend tim and i ended up stuck in a back alley coughing and spluttering, our eyes stinging like bitches, and green stuff pouring out of every facial orifice. HOTT!

- upon arrival back from chile to be by my father's bedside, i was struck down with a mysterious infection in a bone in my foot. i was hospitalised, sedated for the trauma of being away from my dying father, and allowed to go home only on the premise that i would "lie down for 5 days and use crutches only when absolutely necessary". yeah, as if! nobody keeps this woman horizontal for 5 days. well, almost nobody, huh schmitzy?

since then - so far all clear. which is not to say that i have not spent 90% of my time in the past 2 years in one hospital or another. i just haven't been the patient for awhile. nor have i been very patient for that matter. hmm.