i should probably get rid of the exposed live wire and the dead cat in the kitchen too, huh?
so i've been made the new occupational health and safety officer at work.
hoorah!
i am going to put up some posters around the office to ensure my colleagues have a clean and safe working environment that we can all enjoy together.
kumbay-fucking-ya.
anyhoo, i need some help with the captions for some of the posters. below are my suggestions:
never wear high waisted jeans with white running shoes. people may mistake you for jerry seinfeld and ask you annoying questions such as "so, funny man, what's in the box?" or "hey, jewboy, where's your bagel?"
actually, if you wanna keep your job here, minion, never wear high waisted jeans at all. they're way uncool and heaps unflattering.
you can't fit a square shape into a circular hole. didn't you ever watch sesame st? there was a song to this effect. it went something like this:
"you can't fit a square shape into a circular hole, doo doo doo doo doo."
and i think it was sung by a group of ethnically diverse children feeding some ducks at the zoo.
can anyone think of any other signs to help promote oh&s in my workplace?
c'mon friends, we're talking about people's lives here.
6 Comments:
how about "keep pointy red crosses away from traffic areas where you may hurt your ass (fig 1) or hurt your head (fig 2)".
how bout: when picking up heavy boxes, don't strain so hard you fart (fig 1). If you do so, the gases may cause you to feel nauseous and have to rest for a while to regain strength (fig 2)
(fig 1) If you pick up a box like this and don't hurt your back, I'll bust you up myself. Be fucking safe people.
(Fig 2) Be like this cunt.
(fig 1) when it is required for you to lift a heavy box there is no need to point your poop-chute in anyone's direction. it would be safer (and much more enjoyable for everyone else) if you were to squat and flash your gash instead. (note:please dispose of ugly jeans first and replace with mini-skirt or else a painful case of camel-toe is likely to ensue.
undies: optional)
(fig 2) before prpearing yourself for the aforementioned squat, lean over said heavy box and give everyone a good chance to check out your titties, they are the only reason you got the job in the first place.
(note: please replace t-shirt with low-cut top bra: optional)
note to self: learn to spell.
Your site needs a disclaimer too: Reading whilst drinking coffee may result in hot liquid being violently expelled through your nose and over your computer screen. Which is a clear hazard, not to mention totally unglamourous.
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