fuck me sideways with a rissole. no really.

(after writing most of this post last night, i dreamt of french maids' outfits and men in capes. BEST. DREAMS. EVA.)

i've long maintained a mild fascination with fetishism.

i'm not talking the usual slap'n'tickle, doctors and nurses shit that most people dabble in on the odd occasion (DON'T THEY?). no, no petals, i'm talking the goat-sodomizing, nappy-wearing, scat-loving activities of the truly experimental amongst us. bless their hearts.

i am forever intrigued by the fact that anyone i know, my friends, neighbours, and...oh fuck the horror...family could be getting down with mummification behind closed doors. hell, i could be getting down with mummification for all you people know.

i'm not, by the way, but i could be.

not that there's anything wrong with that. and not that i actually want to know if those i love do it or not. its just a funny part of the social world that interests me some. i mean we all have sex, we just don't all have to sacrifice a chicken before we cum all over our partners face. and that's what the sociologist in me yearns to understand.

my introduction to the world of fetish came when i saw an episode of some tv show (i can't remember which exactly) in which this dude, a rich, smarmy corporate type, all balding and shiny, got off on seeing women step on cockroaches in bright red stilettos.

gross much? i haven't been able to wear red stilettos without treading extra-carefully amidst the noise and haste ever since.

now this particular tv show aired a long time before my own sexual awakening. this was back when i still believed that if a mummy and a daddy love each other very much, they lie down in a big bed together and then a baby comes out of mummy's hoo hoo.

sorry to spoil it for anyone out there who still believes that (i'm looking at you, alex hawke) but the truth is...PEOPLE HAVE SEX JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT! and another thing while i'm at it, kids, your parents have been lying to you all these years. there is no santa claus. CAUSE JESUS KILLED HIM!

now i had a point planned for this post. what was it again? think woman, THINK!

oh yes, dogging.

random passerby: "what's that you say?"

i said the point of this post was dogging.

random passerby: "what is this dogging you speak of?"

well friend, according to dogging central, ("your number one dogging information resource"):

"the term dogging refers to either having or observing exhibitionist sex in a public or semi-public place, usually outdoors. sometimes the voyeurs join in on the sex, usually they just watch from nearby."

random passerby: "but what kind of weird-ass crazies would get into that?"

oh random passerby, so naive you are, so judgmental. everyone has their sexual quirks, and as long as they are not hurting anyone else (unless specifically asked/commanded to of course) we have not the right to chastise them for fulfilling their desires.

*pats random passerby on the head*

dogging central tells us that:

"couples into exhibitionism are usually in their 30s to 50s, though some may be older or younger. observers are usually single men. most doggers are middle class, and most lead quite average lives apart from their "hobby"."

random passerby: "where?"

"doggers mostly choose open air, somewhat out of the way places, often in or near country parks. car parks are also quite common congregating spots, and occasionally cinema halls."

random passerby: "how?"

"doggers usually contact one another online, through chat rooms, forums, bulletin boards and newsgroups. someone will issue an invite to watch, or inquire if there is anyone interested in performing in a certain area. further details for meeting may be arranged online, or via cell phone or messaging. some may just show up at a known dogging spot and see if anyone else turns up."

random passerby: "illegal, yes?"

"dogging is somewhat of a legal grey area..."

random passerby: "what abou..."

oh for fucks sake just go and check out the site already, you're bugging me now and i have an essay to write. make sure to read the dogger's stories and the 10 COMMANDMENTS OF DOGGING!

gold. bizarre yes. but FUCKING GOLD!

random passerby: "okay i'm going. sheesh! moody much? but just one more thing before i go. la nadine, is dogging the new black?"

it might well be, random passerby, it might very well be indeed.





(please note that i am actually more amused by the website than by the pratice of dogging itself. as miss elmo and miss jess have both rightly pointed out, as fetishes go this one is pretty fucking tame.)