happy birthday, elmossy!

has everyone here met elmo?

no? some of you haven't?

well in that case, elmo meet everyone; everyone meet elmo.

elmo is a buddy of mine from way back. we met in our fist year of high school, and we have remained close ever since. it is she who made me blog in the first place. so blame her.

anyway, here are some things about elmo that you may or may not know, and that she may or may not want me to tell you:

- she plays the drums like a freeeeeeeeeeeeeekin' geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenius;

- she is obsessed with this little known irish pub band. perhaps you've heard of them?

- she is adamant that the moon landing was a ruse. she's so cute when she talks conspiracy theories. you just want to pinch her cheeks and pat her on the head;

- she loves bette midler just as much as i do and secretly wishes she was a middle-aged jewish woman with a killer rack and a potty mouth;

- she overfeeds her cat. poor, fatty miro;

- she likes to pretend she is a non-smoker. this is bullshit. she loves nicotine. she wants to marry it and have its cancerous little babies and grow old with it on a tobacco farm in cuba;

- she attempted to take a cardboard cutout of robert de niro (stolen from hoyts in a late night heist) to our year 12 formal as her date;

- her most favouritist thing ever is when i do the kylie minogue 'impossible princess' dance for her;

- she tries to make me see really bad movies with her despite the gazillion times i've told i hate big budget epic crap and/or anything starring russell crowe;

- she has ABSOLUTELY NO tolerance for pain yet has somehow managed to acquire 8 tattoos and lord knows how many piercings. you'll have to ask her where they all are because i'm not allowed to say rude words;

- the bitch owes me $50. she has owed me $50 for about 6 years. actually, with interest i'd say she now owes me more like...well, lets see...if i just do some calculations...ah yes...that seems about right...she now owes me ONE TRILLION DOLLARS. give or take a million or two.

and these last two facts bring me to the point of this here blog post. yup, this one has a point. thought i'd try something new today.

you see folks, about 6 years ago elmo and i made a bet. after she had gotten her first tatt, i bet her $50 that she would have another one before the year was out. i sensed a growing thirst for body art arising within her. a thirst that could not be quenched by one little star alone. and i was right.

i am very intuitive, people. like this morning, my friend was supposed to pick me up at 10, but i was ready at 9.45 and she was early. coincidence? as if.

but elmo denied her fetishist love of ink and even shook my hand to officialise the wager.

she was all like: "no way nigga, i ain't never gettin' that shit done to me again, one is enough yo, fo shizzle."

and i was all like: "you trippin' bitch. big ups yoself for believin' da hype."

werd.

since then she has adorned herself with 7 more inky treats, and still i have not seen my well-deserved money.

and what's more, she saw no problem with calling me the other day and ask if i'll go with her to get another tattoo. ANOTHER FUCKING TATTOO!

i was so angry i almost hung up the phone. the nerve! THE FUCKING NERVE! just who does she think she is?

oh, that's right, she thinks she's my friend. and its her birthday today. damn.

*calls elmo*

*agrees to hold her hand*

*calls debt collectors*