a midnight trip to the servo with the josh
last night the josh and la nadine spent a lovely evening watching bill hicks stand-up dvds and eating japanese food. they took a break to go to the servo for cancer sticks. the following hilarity ensued:
the josh: do you want me to get you anything?
la nadine: yeah, porn.
(the josh gets out of the car and walks inside the servo. meanwhile in the car la nadine checks her phone for texts for the trillionth time in an hour. when suddenly la nadine's phone starts ringing. it is the josh. she answers.)
la nadine: yes?
the josh: would you prefer to see ashley olsen's boob or teri hatcher's vadge?
la nadine: huh?
the josh: you said you wanted porn.
la nadine: i was kidding. hurry up and buy your smokes. i'm tired.
("ah the josh, what a kooky character", thinks la nadine as she hangs up the phone. when she has finished checking for text messages that might have come during the two minutes she was talking to the josh, she looks up to see the josh standing at the window of the servo. he is holding up two different skin mags and mouthing the words 'WHICH ONE' at her. "fuck me", she exhales, dialing the josh's number. the josh answers.)
the josh: so which one do you want?
la nadine: neither. please come back to the car now. please.
(the josh walks to the counter with both perverse publications. la nadine starts to worry. she knows what the josh is capable of. the josh starts talking to the station attendant. he has still not hung up on la nadine)
the josh: excuse me, which of these do you recommend?
servo dude: huh?
the josh: the red-faced girl in the silver car over there flailing her arms about like a psycho asked me to get her some porn but refuses to tell me exactly which porn she wants me to get. can you help?
(la nadine screams at the josh to "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PUT THE PORN AWAY!". she really never thought this was a sentence she would be shouting at the josh over the phone in a servo car park.)
servo dude: (obviously horrified yet grinning all the same) um...i don't know which is better.
the josh: whatever. i'll just take both of them for the indecisive bitch. oh, and a packet of dunhill blues thanks.
(the josh pays for the mags and fags and returns to the car. the servo dude looks like he just saw his mother blow his uncle - obviously horrified yet grinning all the same. la nadine is laughing so hard her sides hurt. all is well with the world for a few minutes. but then the josh shows la nadine teri hatcher's vadge and the happies disappear. possibly forever.)
34 Comments:
Is it wrong that I just googled "Terri Hatcher's Vadge" and was dissapointed when no results came back?
Don't worry, you don't have to answer that.
You're so in love with the Josh.
You want to fuck him and have like ten thousand of his babies.
And if you don't want him, can I have him?
snubby: can i call you snubby? it is VERY wrong to actively look for teri hatcher's vadge. however, if you really want to see it, get yerself some climbing gear and go hiking up the crevice between the skinny bitch's thighs.
tuppy: EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW! the josh is like my brother. and not in a clueless-style 'one day we will realise we are in love and pash on a staircase' kinda way. NO! more in a 'there are laws against that sort of thing' kinda way.
Laws! Please. Just get it over with.
P.S - Can I get a ticket to Teri's vadge? I hear it's all sold out.
Splendour in the grass.
*Realises that joke is shit*
*Shuts the fuck up*
see what happens when you get me googling?
Teri entered the bedroom and pushed the door shut behind her. She stood against the door looking at the bed, looking at her lover... A magnificent, gigantic black Great Dane - named Jett.
FLUFFY!!! EW!!!
Although I liked the disclaimer:
This story is FICTION.
No offence is intended to Teri Hatcher, this was written for the entertainment of her fans. Those who will be offended by the contents, or are under 18, should stop reading now.
Yeah, Teri. No offence. I just wanted to write about you fucking a dog. Don't take it so personally. Sheesh.
*checks stats to see how many people have so far come to nadstown after googling 'teri hatcher's vadge'*
I must not be tempted to google porn when writing essays.
I must not be tempted to google porn when writing essays.
I must not be tempted to google porn when writing essays.
I must not be ......
Damn you Nads.
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the servo dude looks like he just saw his mother blow his uncle - obviously horrified yet grinning all the same.
Yeah, I remember catching mum giving Uncle Mick a sneaky southerly bluster one particularly boozy Christmas. At first, I was all "Mum! A penis! Is in your mouth!" but the expression on her face, and Uncle Mick's adorable drunken twinkle in his eye - well, pretty soon I managed to see the funny side and we were all rolling on the floor laughing.
Meanwhile, Josh DOES sound adorable. Would you at least consider marrying him for a lark? Just to see if things worked out?
*Hands Nadine "Ugly Chicks Hot Stuff*
I WILL NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT MAN!
however you ladies are all welcome to give the josh a go if you want. he's single for once in his life.
oh, and ta sass.
*runs spa*
*waits for company*
*joins*
re: Yeah, Teri. No offence. I just wanted to write about you fucking a dog. Don't take it so personally. Sheesh.
tuppence - totally. that teri is so freekin over sensitive you have to make these disclaimers just in case she gets all het up over it. and why would she? some people.
*slips into spa*
*rubs the lotion*
A la Rizzo in Grease
Some people are so touchy.
*it puts the lotion on the skin*
Waz crackulatin'?
*leers*
You ladeez got some hot badunkadunk goin' on. Let's enjoy a chillaxin' virtual afternoon of parlayin'. Are y'all diggin' my mad O-G style dawg? It's off the heezy!
Only non-PHD* owners can join in, please.
*Playa Hata Degree
(i don't know what's going on. damn you, christian youth ministry, and your highly addictive online lingo dictionary!)
Sweet Jesus, Jess, I don't know what you just said.
Why you gotta be getting' all up in my grill, Tupdiddy? Best not be frontin!
we will have no playa hate in the spa, miss jess.
it ruins my chi. my hot, naked, bubbly chi.
Me? Getting up in your grill? Never!
S'up, Tup - we cool. Ain't no party like a Nadstown party!
*pops open bottle of Cristal and sprays over hot ladies in spa*
*Shakes chest and runs fingers through hair*
*tries to call the josh to inform him of the sapphic cyber-threeway he has inspired*
*drops phone in water*
*copes*
*invites the Josh*
*gets slapped by Nadine, who is just lying to herself, really*
Mama like props, Nads.
*jumps out of spa and turns on radio*
*jessie's girl by rick springfield blares out from the speakers*
*jumps back in the spa*
Mood music. Dig?
*commands tuppence and the josh to STAY THE FUCK UP THE OTHER END OF THE SPA!*
*calls in reinforcements to block view*
*digs the tunes*
Hey! Hey! WHO PUT ON PETER ANDRE?
Peter Andre? Yo, dude be wack. Shizzle.
*jumps out of spa again, pops mix cd in, 'son of a preacher man' begins, jumps back in spa*
Now little ladies, shall I holla for even more luscious boos to join us?
*sends a few text messages*
*gets the text*
hey I'm in the spa already. must i stop folding laundry?
Is 'folding laundry' some kinky Melbourne thing I don't know about?
If so, I want in.
I'll fold your laundry in a minute, young lady.
*cracks whip*
Is the water still hot..?
jeez I love youse guys. face hurts from laughing.
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