to order, dial 1800-GET-UR-GAY
disclaimer: this post was checked prior to publishing by a real live gay man. he has given it the official 'gay man seal of approval'. and he speaks for all gay men everywhere because they are all gay just like him. so don't be getting all up in my kool-aid about being offensive and shit. just fucking cope already.
last night i realised that i am a failure.
i am a failure as a straight, single, shoe-loving woman. i am a failure as a liberal-minded, sexual being. i am a failure as a carrie-bradshaw wannabe. and i am a failure as a card-carrying member of the fucking latte left.
the reason for my failure is simple, yet hard to believe. i am a failure because:
I HAVE NO GAY FRIENDS!
not one. nada. zilch. zip. zero.
indeed i have many gay acquaintances. a friend's sister; a colleague's flatmate; an ex's brother; an old neighbour; a vague blog friendship. but no actual friends. no one i can call up for a coffee or a movie or a chat.
and i just can't figure it out. i used to have heaps of gay friends. HEAPS. i had so many gay friends i couldn't see straight. gay people fucking love me. i'm like robin to the gay person's batman; like noddy to the gay person's big ears; like katie to the gay person's tom cruise. not to imply that any of them are gay. no sirree.
so what the fuck happened? how did i end up sans gay friends in my mid-twenties?
i guess they all just moved to the country with their gay partners to breed spoodles or some equally stupid hybrid breed of canine and forgot all about their single, hetero female friends in the city who are still struggling to find a decent man amidst the available riff raff.
stereotyping much? confusing 'sex and the city' with real life much? who me? never.
*worries she is about to lose her gay fanbase.*
*isn't sure she actually has a gay fanbase.*
*vows to get a gay fanbase. stat.*
so anyway, i am thinking of starting up a non-profit organisation to help other people like me. a sort of dating agency if you will. a place for single women without gay friends who desperately want to start sentences with "my gay friend (insert name here) says that...". and alternately, a place for gay people who want to find that special straight someone to call their own.
it will be great. there will be internet chatrooms, monthly meetings, and maybe even bi-annual picnics. and if you join now we'll give you a bonus gay friend with your original purchase. that's two gay friends for the price of one, people.
DO NOT MISS OUT ON THIS EXCITING OFFER! AVAILABLE ONLY WHILE STOCKS LAST! SELECT YOUR GAY FRIEND FROM OUR ONLINE CATALOGUE NOW!!!
oh dear. i think maybe - just maybe - i've had one too many lattes today.
*regrets*
33 Comments:
If I became gay would you be my friend?
too many lattes? i hear ya babe. all coffee and no sleep make elmo something something. something gay?
where do i register. i'd like one.
I'll admit this probably isn't the best time and place to "come out" but I've been gay from the second I first saw you. Cope.
So how bout it?
being a little bit gay myself, I actually have quite a few gay friends. And frankly, now that you have made me aware of this gross imparity, I feel quite selfish, and sort of ashamed.
In light of these revelations, I feel the only decent thing to do would be pimp out my homo loving mates to others more deserving than myself, so that they may spread the rainbow flavoured goodness, and bask in the specialness that is 'The Token Gay Best Friend'
I may sound sarcastic, but I assure you, that's just my dry-as-a-ricecake lesbian wit. I reckon this sounds like it could be lucrative!
Where do I sign?
I'll sign up for the Brisbane branch. My friends and I were only discussing over the weekend how we have no gay friends.
Maybe there isn't any gay people up here? Perhaps moving to Sydney is our only option?
wish i was gay
This must be the collective unconsious or whatev you call it, I just had exactly the same realisation last month when my hairdresser (a straight man) asked me in reference to some particular pop cult saying 'Do you have many gay friends?' I automatically answered yes, as I was used to having gay friends, most of the people I hung with in high school were gay/bi/etc...but then I realised with shock and horror that I NO LONGER really had any gay friends, just people I knew...and even my hairdresser was straight...where have all my gay men gone (long time passing...)? And can I subscribe to your service in Melbourne?
What is happening out there people?? Have you all been silently suffering, devoid of a Will and Grace buddy THIS WHOLE TIME??
Man, I thought I'd make a matzah outta pimping my pals, but now I feel compelled to offer them as a community service. Nadine, if you provide the smarts, I'll provide the gays. you like boy?girl?we have nice gay!
Meanwhile all- Get Thee to a Theatre Degree!
Nadine, Bigears, Robin and others,
You simply aren't trying hard enough. Instead of a subscribing a gay friend you need to makes friends with them in the same manner you would make friends with anyone else, with a health dash of stalking. Latte up in different cafes until you find a nice stash of gay men waiters and then become a regular. Bring props; magazines with that chick from OC on the cover, half written love letters, a glittering frilled neck lizard outfit, etc.
Also, dance classes in most styles should have a gay man somewhere. Hang at Dance Central for 20-35 seconds.
wow...so it isn't just me then? I've lost all mine too, perhaps I should put up signs round the neighbourhood...
I'm not actually gay but I'd be happy to hang out with you anytime you like. This weekend perhaps? I'll call you tonight.
PS: Can you say hi to Jeremy for me?
Gay people don't like you because you are beautiful. They resent your beauty as it brings into question their gayness.
who wants fags for friends anyway? fags are annoying.
I'm the opposite - almost ALL my friends seem to be gay. I have lost count of the number of times I have looked around at a social gathering and realised that I am one of, if not the only, straight people/person there. (These may or may not be social occasions involving or somehow related to showtunes)
Last time I went overseas, I came back to discover five - count 'em, FIVE - of my friends had come out. I'm about to go overseas again. Wonder if my pals can top their own record?
Oh come on Gay Friends were so yesterday. Its time you got with the program and got a refugee friend or a homeless friend. Its the new black.
I have squeezed a bosom on Experiment street. Does that make me kind of gay?
x
if it makes you gay, fits darling girl, then it makes me gay too.
good times.
oh, and matt? is that really you? CALL ME!
Oh, look at all this. Hilarious!
Anonymous: fags are not annoying. We are quick-witted and good with a back-handed compliment. Excellent as friends. YOU are annoying, with your arse-hattery and your non-blogger login. What do you think we're going to do if we know who you are - come around and make you over? Force you to listen to the Geri album?
I once excitedly believed I may have become Ms Fits's own personal gay. But it was not to be.
Dearest Fop, I was told in no uncertain terms by a beloved and witty female blogger of our acquaintance to 'STEP AWAY FROM THE GAY'.
Essentially, you had already been dibsed. And there was no freaking way I was going to get up in her kool-aid about it. x
If there's one thing I abhor it's effeminate behaviour.
Still, I have 2 Gays on my books at the moment Nads. Would you like one?
*faints with joy over further "kool aid" use*
Fits, that blogger sounds incredibly adorable. But it sounds to me - someone totally unconnected with this situation, for real - that her issues were less to do with a gal stealing her gay and more to do with her general dislike of people having fun together while she is not there to participate. Ideally, she'd like no one to go out anywhere ever at all unless she was there to swear loudly and act obnoxious in a boozy manner.
However, my Piscean intuition tells me she's slowly but surely ending her petulant child streak, and she'd be happy for you two to "hook up". So long as you discussed her often, and with great fondness.
I tried to befriend a gay air steward on my trip recently. No luck.
Maybe it had something to do with my befriending technique. ("Please come and make love to me in the toilet cubicle immediately, you incredibly hot man, you.")
All the good ones ... [insert cliche here].
Anyhoo, I have sent you your postcard today. TODAY! I apologise for my tardiness.
La, when I moved to Sydney I left my Gay Best Friend behind. I then met someone whom I thought could fill the gaping hole, the yawning chasm: my NEW GBF. He rang me and asked me (in that nasal campy drawl)to meet him for a beer down at the Beach Road.
I made him examine a pimple on my chin, we made catty comments about people's ensembles, quoted Prue and Trude, and then he tried to pash me.
He was straight
Moral of the story? Don't get over-zealous and rush into things. You may wind up on a date.
I reckon you should definitely rush into things. Preferably with a handsome old devil of a friend named Matt.
Yes, it's really me. Marvelling at your blog queen status and can't wait to see you. Better not be busy this weekend, lady!
My gay friends have all bought houses and cats with the guys they now refer to as "partners" rather than "boyfriends."
But if you want to swap copies of Vogue entertaining and pass on the alcohol for a protein shake, I can totally hook you up.
I, too, no longer have any gay friends whereas previously I had zillions. I think it was a subconscious cull on my part - it's ok when you're in your early 20s to spend weekend after weekend at gay events, but you've gotta get serious about this finding-a-bloke (as in a straight one) stuff when you get older. There's just no time to waste on sniffing amyl nitrate and prancing about to Kylie and Madonna anymore!
Don't worry Nads, Roguey's gay.
And Cotton wears white shoes.
So gay.
um, i ordered mine july 28. my credit card has been debited however, my gay hasn't turned up.
how long do they take??
[revels in white shoe comment]
all i can say is OI!
what, are we not friends? or do you want proof of my tendencies?!
http://flickr.com/photos/redbettyblack/26175386/
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