this one's for the lovely miss kar
an (ever so slightly embellished) conversation between a group (gaggle?) of actresses, overheard by yours truly last night:
actress 1: hey, do you girls have special performance underwear?
actress 2: what do you mean?
actress 1: i mean do you have special pairs of knickers that you wear when you are performing instead of your normal everyday pairs?
actress 2: (looking "down there") um...no. should i?
actress 3: of course you should. i ALWAYS change my underwear before i go on stage. i don't feel in character unless i am LIKE TOTALLY transformed.
actress 1: indeed. in fact, just today i bought a whole new set of knickers for this play i'm doing next month.
actress 3: OOOH! what sort of knickers?
actress 1: well, the character is a young british school girl. therefore i bought plain white cotton briefs. and, of course, plain white cotton bras to match.
actress 3: that is just TOO, TOO PERFECT. i love it!
actress 1: don't you just?
actress 2: (sits in bewildered silence. her eyes dart back and forth between actress 1, actress 3, and her own pelvic region. it is clear she is questioning her legitimacy as a professional thespian. AS SHE FUCKING SHOULD BE!)
la nadine: (tries desperately to stifle her giggles while mentally recording conversation for monday's blog post.)
*no actresses were harmed during the transcribing of this conversation. well, not physically anyway. there may have been some emotional damage caused. especially to poor old actress 1 who has no doubt already taken herself shopping for a supply of red crotchless g-strings to wear in her upcoming role as the new mrs. lleyton hewitt.
53 Comments:
I have special underwear.
*looks for any sort of inkling that previous sentence has some weird hidden pun or meaning*
*but it doesn't*
*it purely pertains to my special underwear*
La la laaa....
since when do you have any underwear?
Since I was asked to join the League of Justice.
They were all like...but you HAVE to wear underwear, and I was all like...BUT THAT'S WHY I'M CALLED THE COMMANDO...
And they were all...Dude.
So I bought some.
But it's SPECIAL.
G-String... or G-Banger?
Truly a bulbous question.
*strokes beard in sage manner*
*makes mental note to invest in Veet wax strips*
your pointed questions are not welcome here, jess.
*snacks*
Forgive my moistness, dear girl x
*swings comments back to special underwear*
*and by swings, means*
*SWINGS*
okay sherriff, please to be telling us all about your special underwear.
Ummm...
Ummm...
It's got your picture on it.
And it tastes like strawberries.
So does the underwear.
funny that.
i remember the sweet smell of watermelon wafting through the spa.
must have been someone else.
bookie perhaps?
Hmm. Me thinks the watermelon would've been coming from your direction. I don't know, it's hard to keep abreast of...NO. NO PUNNING!!!
I will sit back, relax and casually watch this virtual swingin' key party (of emotions).
*lights cigarette*
Oh Sherriff, you ain't ever gonna be respectable (Melon Kim style) x
*passes around a punnet of strawberries*
I just can't get you guys out of my head!
ba na na...ba na na na naaa... ba na na...
Can't Get You Out Of My Head? Man, it's been so long since I heard that song, I plum forgot how it went until I read that comment!
Nads, I love your blog and your pun-nets. They make me feel just peachy!
Ni Hao!
Excuse me, just brushing up on my Mandarin.
*worries things are getting to fruity*
*wants to get back to the core of the argument*
Damn, I was going to say that, but you pipped me at the post.
i guess when you peel away our skin, sherriff, we're really all made of the same fibre.
I cannot tell you how hot it is for me to watch you two pun.
In fact, it makes me kumquat a lot.
What a pear you two are...
I know it's off-topic, but did I ever tell you about my friend who was like, the world's BIGGEST fan of Juanita from Young Talent Time?
Seriously, he was a total Coco nut.
oh jessculture, i love it when you comment about boys 'n berries.
Yeah, he was alright. Bit meloncholy though...
Thanks Nads, I appreciate the kind words. Sure beets being told you hate my comments!
Sherriff - yeah, he's never been the same since the great Coco-related stage incident of 1998.
Arthur spends four bloody years planning a theatrical production based on the life of Juanita Coco, and then finally - on opening night - he heads out on stage.
The audience is silent but growing increasingly restless. The wait gets longer and longer... until Art runs off the stage in tears.
Turns out he forgot ALL his lines. Poor Artichokes, and the audience begin booing loudly, leaving him scarred for life. He's never been the chirpy fellow we once knew and loved since.
So you're saying, he's pretty much a vegetable?
Totally. He even peas himself when he gets flustered.
i'm leaving this pun off.
i fear i've given all i can.
and i really need to pea.
DAMN YOU JESSCULTURE! YOU BEET ME TO THE PUNCH!
So that's where he's bean. I thought he was off writing for the Onion?
Well, lettuce all pray...
But punning is rad! Or at least, rad...ish.
Did I ever tell you about girl I knew who was always wanking off her male cousins at family gatherings?
I asked her why she'd do such a thing, and she just shrugged and said "Hey, what can I say? I like to pumpkin."
wow, she sounds soup-er.
She sounds like she might need more encouragement though, I know I'd sure like to pepper up.
just because you can pun better than me, sherriff, doesn't mean you have to rub salt in my wounds.
Here, have my punning manual, with condiments...
when you say it like that it sounds so saucy...
I think she'd be open to your offer of pep, Sherriff, but to be on the safe side, I'd approach it gingerly.
Shit, look at the thyme, might have to go soon...
Oh, I relish this pun frenzy, guys, I really do.
i don't know where we can go from here, guys. it seems we've gotten ourselves into one hell of a pickle.
I can't believe you're the only three to have left a comment in 41 comments!
You guys! You amuse me so!
If I didn't have meetings ALL DAY today, I would have been joining you all the way. But alas, I had to leave it all to you.
I have to fly. My mate just bought a house on the weekend in a new suburb out west called Martoe, and I told him I'd drop by after work, so I have to go to Martoe.
BEVIS
But first I have to go to the bank, which really annoys me.
Does anyone else find the bank queue cumber ... some?
There's a woman there (called Rue) who is a nasty piece of work. She's always snipping at you if you're too slow to hand over your deposit slip, etc. Some of her insults are really hurtful.
Thankfully, I'm normally able to avoid the worse of the 'Rue barbs'.
The female teller next to her is much nicer. She eats way too much salt with her food, though, and usually spills it all over herself.
Sometimes I have to point to her blouse and ask, "Have you seen all that Salt, Ana?"
But if she's tricking me and she put it all there on purpose, I soon realise that she was simply giving my leg a-pple.
Some of these puns are getting a little corny, now. Maybe I should stop.
Yes, that would definitely be sage advice.
Gotta go anyway, I need to take a leak.
Bye!
You are fucking GOLD lady! That was hilarious.
I have never used special acting underwear. However, my costume for my next gig is basically only underwear so I guess I'll be in the ranks of those with character pants.
I do have an obsession with buying new knickers (for me, off stage) whenever I get paid for an acting job though.
To Martoe, Rue barb, Salt ana, queue cumber, leg apple and corn, a veritable Waldorf salad of puns.
PS: I think you scared the chicks away.
"socks and jocks" a fellow actor used to say: no.1 priority when the pay cheque comes in.
*can hear Sydney blogters laughing at me for not prioritising "beer and cheer"*
*quickly pours drink and tries to act cool*
I love Angel Hammocks (TM).
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