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last night i was feeling a bit down. no reason in particular, as things are uncannily wrinkle-free at the moment. but hey, who are we but slaves to our unpredictable emotions?

i was spending quality time with my mum, eating chinese food and playing 'spot the bloggers at the big brother live eviction show'. we were having a grand old bonding session when suddenly, out of nowhere, the black hole began to open in my gut and i was powerless to stop it. it was only the tiniest crack in the make-shift cover that keeps the hole closed, but it was enough to cause the tears to well and the tim tams to disappear.

having been a long time student of depression and irrational moodiness (a very popular double degree at the school of life these days) i have a mental checklist prepared for times like this. and so i began to go through each point, ticking them off one by one, in order to get to the root of my boo-hoos.

this be the list:

1) did you forget to take your pills today?

2) are you lonesome tonight?

3) is anyone you love in hospital at the moment?

4) are you hungover, boozehound?

5) did you watch the channel ten news tonight?

6) is it that awful, crampy fuck-me-dead-i-wish-i-was-a-man-even-though-i-hate-the-smug-tampon-free-motherfuckers special time of the month?

7) are you feeling particularly fat and/or ugly today?

and these be my answers:

1) yes.

2) fuck yes.

3) no. for a change.

4) no. for a change.

5) um...well...yes. *blushes*

6) that's none of your fucking business. HUG ME!

7) der. see answer 6.

and yet, despite testing positive to several questions, i still could not explain why my inner voices were singing the blues.

i mean here i was, not at all hungover, spending quality time with my mum.

¿cuÃl es el problema?

but then it hit me.

it hit me like a hammer. it hit me like a hammer being held by an angry little elf. it hit me like a hammer being held by an angry little elf with a grudge against me. it hit me like a hammer being held by an angry little elf with a grudge against me because i stole his slippers. it hit me like a hammer being held by an angry little elf with a grudge against me because i stole his slippers and gave them to the postman. it hit me like a ham...

sorry. got carried away there. that was kinda fun. you should try it some time.

so anyway, i realised that the reason i was making with the melancholy was precisely because i was spending quality time with my mum. i guess when you know that someone's time is limited, enjoying their company is a bit of a double-edged sword. on the one side you have the blessing of being able to spend time with them and bask in their beautiful presence. but on the other hand, you have that constant stabbing knowledge that each happy time is one moment closer to the last.

i have always said that the day "the badness" happens is the day i stop blogging. this day is still (please, please, PLEASE!) a long way off. but until then, i need to take these moments every so often to step away from the sass and get jiggy with reality. every now and then i need to blog my blues. its my relaxation tape. my detox. my therapy.

there, i've vented.

better now.

ta.