miss nadstown 2005

i watched 'miss teen usa' on sunday.

i could rant and rave about how beauty pageants such as this are part of an archaic tradition of female subordination that perpetuates the notion that women are mere objects of aesthetic desire for the dominant male gaze.

but i won't. because that would be boring. so i'll save it for my thesis.

instead i am going to make like i am a contestant and answer the questions that were asked of the barbies real contestants in the pageant on sunday.

andrew g and james matheson from australian idol will play the roles of the vapid, show-pony pageant hosts. a job they are both more than qualified for.


"who do you consider to be your role model?"













"i'd have to say my role model is my mum, because she is a strong woman who would do anything for her family and who always manages to laugh in the face of personal tragedy."










"if you could be any other person for a day, who would you be? and why?"












"there's nobody else i would rather be. i'm, like, super happy being me. i think i'm great. because i'm pretty and i'm a cheerleader and my boyfriend, chad, is captain of the football team. oh, and i can crack walnuts with my vadge."







hold on, that's what miss alabama actually said. well, something like that anyway. i may have made up the part about the boyfriend named chad.

lets try that again.


"if i could be anybody else for a day i would definitely be marilyn monroe. but when she was alive. not now. that would be awful. i like breathing. and having skin.

anyway, i just want to experience a day in her body. in her head. in her time.

and i could find out if jfk was any good in bed. is that wrong?"





"why do you think they say that your high school years are the best years of your life?"











"i don't know about anyone else, but i know why mine were. two words: the pussycats.

no, andrew g, i did not go to school with super-smart felines. this was the name given to my group of friends by some nasty boys. it was meant to be derogatory, but we took it on as a form of self-empowerment. like minority groups do. you know, like "nigger" and "dyke".

anyway, to the pussycats, if you're watching, i love youse guys. YOU RULE!"



"do you think today's youth are growing up too fast?"













"fuck yes. just look at the two of you. what are you, like eight or something?"













"where do you see yourself in ten years?"













"sandwiched between the two of you. except that you, andrew g, have magically transformed into gael garcia bernal. don't worry, james matheson, you're still you."

*winks at james matheson*







*turns slowly and begins to walk gracefully off stage*

*trips and falls*

*cries*