la nadine turns pro. in a conference way.
so some poor, misguided fools have asked me to speak at a conference in april.
i choose not to reveal the topic of the conference, lest any of you lurking fuckers end up attending said conference in some bizarre twist of fate worthy of a painfully dull gwyneth paltrow movie.
but let me just state that nobody is more shocked about my pending foray into the world of the professional conference speaker than i.
for starters i have no legitimate skills on which to advise others (other than, of course, 'how to make your boobs look like a dinner platter' and 'intermediate booty dancing for the middle-class white girl').
and secondly, i have never even been to a conference.
so how the fuck am i expected to deliver an informative and professional speech at one*?
and so this is where you come in, most wise and loyal of readers. i need YOUR help.
any advice on how to both inform and entertain without looking like a complete tool and ending up with an atomic wedgie at the hands of the cool kids would be MOST APPRECIATED.
please refrain from including any lame public speaking tips such as "picture the audience in their underwear" and "open with a joke". i tried those once before, and they just seemed inappropriate. then again, i was at a funeral.
*regrets*
so anyway, please leave your helpful hints in the comments section of this post.
oh, and don't forget to answer the most important question of all:
WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO WEAR?
*i imagine cutting out the swears would be a good start.
17 Comments:
Wear black. It's sexy. But wear coloured shoes- an amazing green should do the trick.
Possibly a little bosom.
That's as far as my advice goes. I've only fantasised about speaking at a conference. More like a hero dream, really.
Many luck to you.
Take half a valium before you go.
Add vodka if necessary.
Couple of pills probably wouldn't go astray.
Make that a case of vodka.
Who cares if it's a conference for AA/Narcotics Anonymous?
Wear what you like. You won't care once you're hammered to the bejesus. At least you won't get stage fright.
Public speaking is easy.
You want to stick to 10/20/30: 10 slides, 20 minutes of yammering on, 30pt text.
This gives you about two minutes for each slide, and lets you remember everything. Don't make it complicated; people are generally stupid.
If you can do it, get people into the smallest room available: you want to go for the "OMG IT's Standing Room Only!!!1! This must mean it's good" approach.
Your audience isn't there to sit on their asses and fall asleep: your job is to entertain them.
If this means diverging from the topic to get into a heated, but passionate, rant about the unavailability of the male gender in your locale rather than delivering your full speech on the cost-benefit tradeoff of soy beans as a fuel source in the modern world, DO IT!
You're awfully good at producing a chuckle in that fashion...
If you are explaining something technical; pick a single metaphor and stick to it.
Don't worry about the whole audience-speaker divide thing: they are there to see you, which means you can get off the stage, wander through the crowds of people, and make it into more of a one on one intimate chat with la nadine if you so choose.
Infact, you'd be alot better off if you get the audience interaction happening off the bat - nothing keeps them on their toes like the possibility of a mentally defect speaker with no respect for the Audience-Speaker rules wandering through the seating...
proof read
Seriously. A friend (not code for this was really me) of mine gave a conference presentation on what was supposed to be The Search for Charmed Hadrons at the Large Hadron Collider only spell checer changed it to the search for charmed Hardons.
Fascinationg and endless as the latter topic is, it's.. er.. hard-ly fodder for presenting to an international physics audience.
The best conference paper/lecture I've ever seen can be seen here: http://randomfoo.net/oscon/2002/lessig/free.html
If you can come up with something similar you can make ANYTHING interesting.
Go to the little girls room at least twice before you go in to present (will leave to your discrection whether for nervous wees or ingesting artificial confidence of some form).
The weekly 3-hour lecture I have the 'pleasure' of doing is a complete beyatch in that respect.
http://presentationzen.blogs.com/
While I have NO idea what the conference is about, here are some tips that have served me rather well:
* what do you want to be remembered for? Figure it out and tailor your preso around it.
* think about what you want people to engage with - the way you look or what you're saying. It's a rare speaker who can achieve both, so if you're after the latter, ensure the former is stylish but not dominant.
* you've been on stage in the past so you know how to use timing to your advantage. 25% of your presentation is what you say, 70% of your preso is how you say it. (the remaining 5% is how you visually present yourself) So also think about tonality and inflection.
* the swears all depend on your audience and how far you can push them. I once did a preso to the board of an entirely conservative finance corp and referred to their competition as "a pack of dried up, cunting fuckwits". While they loved it, my boss did not. So use your discretion.
* don't use jargon unless you're making fun of it.
* keep the content simple and accessible. If the concepts are too difficult to understand you’ll lose people.
* resist any temptation you may have to pun.
* wear comfortable shoes. Really. Chances are you're going to be standing up for an age.
* move around. Think of the lectern as your home base and go back there every now and then to symbolise that you’re moving on to a new topic/idea.
* if the opportunity is there for you to involve your audience, do it, even if it’s as simple as picking someone to be your stagehand or your scapegoat.
Dear La
Just rock up there, right on the podium, grab the fucking podium and push it over, scream 'FUCK THIS SHIT OFF', kick a glass of Mineral Water into a Pram, and get the hell out of there, later apologising saying 'I didn't mean nothing by it FUCK OFF'.
Kind Regards,
IOYC Linking People and Communities
Good Luck!
I'm with IOYC (unfortunately NOT in the sexing-it-up way) AND with Susanne.
IOYC's plan is "pretty fucking ill".
I also wish you "Good Luck".
xxx
nads honey,
I've had to learn how to do this conference stuff over the last year or so. My advice:
The best way to learn about how to do these types of presentations is to watch other people. If you can find a little conference of some vague interest that's on before yours & doesn't cost too much then sign yourself up.
This way you work out very quicky what NOT to do - rule number one being don't write your talk verbatim then stand there and read it out. Its completely fucking excruciating for the audience.
Talk to Prof Google - there are a few useful websites around with guides on oral presentations (as they're referred to in the academic conference biz).
One okay example is www.kumc.edu/SAH/OTEd/jradel/effective.html.
I'm relieved to see that you are paying due attention to the frocking issue. Vitally important to look hott. A friend of mine who is life long nail biter gets acrylic nails put on & painted fire engine every time she is presenting at a conference.
Firstly, congratulations! OMG!
Secondly, I have nothing to offer having never delivered a noteworthy speech without blacking out.
THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO YOU.
The acrylic fingernails idea sounds fun. And kicking a glass of mineral water into a Pram.
everything's been pretty much covered. but write your presentation, run it through, time it so it fits the alloted time, there's nothing worse than running over, or coming up short.
i was told not to have boobs out, ie no decolletage. it can be distracting, apparently. no idea why. and anyway, you might want people not to listen if you can't control your voice.
darker colours are better apparently, so there's nothing to distract the audience from what you are saying. but i think it's crap. you need your personality, why change and tone down?
the better you know your material, the easier it will be.
depending on the content, there's nothing wrong with some humour, my bro gives lots of conference presentations both locally and overseas. i've seen him present a couple of times and he can even draw laughs amongst economists and political scientists. a gift i know. but it helps get people on side which is where you want them. liking you and listening.
good luck, you have plenty of time, it'll be cool and you'll get people coming up afterwards commenting and it'll be a real buzz. i've done it a few times, and it's really exciting if it's something you're passionate about.
I've been to a couple and there's not much else to be said that hasn't already!
I'd say skirt-suit (I've pretty much only seen men at mine and I'm sick of pants).
Also, you want to make the blurb interesting to get people in to your session - personally, I'm more likely to attend one that is based on personal experiences rather than just information (ie: only boring seessins means session spent in room/by beach/in pub). I'd also def recomend slides and poss handouts - it gives ppl something to look at and focus on rather than letting their eyes roll back in their heads.
And humour - but check first that it's "ha ha, she's great" humour and not like "OMG AWKWARD" humour.
And relax and enjoy! (Apparantly "Rescue Remedy" is available from some chemists and a god send for one of my workmates).
do what I managed to do the other day:
1. start off by realising that the laptop with the presentation it isn't doing what it's supposed to do. solve this by asking the CEO of the multinational you're presenting to, if it you could just borrow his for a second. and his *wink* memory stick.
2. proceed to forget the names of everybody in the room. for added effect, call one of the present gentlemen by his wife's name.
3. halfway through, forget which language you're actually supposed to be speaking in and continue in the wrong one.
as for clothes, I can only support the comfortable footwear suggestion. Try to work the word 'creative' into your job title, that way it immediately becomes acceptable to wear sneakers with a suit.
failing that, how about a lead-in joke about naked audiences? sorry.
What nobody has even thought to mention is the clever use of a pinata as a culminating activity. Bits of relevant relevant info and candy and prizes and hitting things with a stick. Plus everybody will be so distracted by the pinata that they won't be paying attention and you can cut your speech short. Also open your presentation with this phrase. "Okay, listen up you lazy motherfuckers!" This will get the audience on your side right from the start.
Put images on your presentation. People also put far too many words in powerpoint but it's better to just have the ideas that help you remember the details so you aren't reading from the screen to those lazy Motherfuckers.
Speak softly, quietly, mice like. That way, people will listen harder.
Oh. And congratulations.
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