what's in a name?

i have two middle names, jacqueline and simone.

one is official and on my birth certificate. the other is unofficial, but i like to use it from time to time anyway.

i was given these names, along with my first name, in honour of three french ladies who were best friends with my paternal grandmother in her native egypt.

unfortunately my beautiful grandmother is no longer with us, but the three ladies are still rocking on, living it up in france well into their seventies, possibly their eighties.

all three have remained spinsters, nadine currently residing in an appartment in the centre of paris with her ailing mother, and the sisters jacqueline and simone still living together somewhere in paris.

my sister and i are in constant contact with "french nadine", happy for all the pseudo-relative love we can get these days. she visits australia every few years or so and i desperately want to go to the city of love and visit her soon. she even named her cat "french toffee" after falling in love with my late kitty on her last visit a few years ago.

but we have never met jacqueline or simone.

sadly this is because nadine no longer speaks to jacqueline and simone. i don't know why this is, nor do i think i will ever be game enough to ask.

i do fear however that this breakdown of relations between the women i am named after may be at the root of my identity crisis, my eternal, self-indulgent longing to work out just who the fuck i am and what the fuck i want to do with myself.

i mean surely if jacqueline and simone have cut all ties with nadine, and/or vice versa, it cannot bode well for my inner sense of harmony and well-being.

maybe if i officially drop the jacqueline and simone from my name, all my woes will disappear and i will smile the smile of the reasonably happy once again.

then again, maybe i should just keep taking my happy pills and seeing my therapist and stop clutching at stupid straws.

something to ponder.