wanted: dead or alive

taking my oft-referenced concept of the guilt-free three and running with it all the way to wrongtown, miss fluffy has developed the new concept of the guilt ridden three.

basically, the GR3 is similar to the GF3 (although neither are in anyway linked to nineties poptarts GF4), except that admittance of the choices made must involve some level of soul-gnawing shame for the list-maker. for a more detailed explanation, please to be referring to el blog de la fluffy.

the divine miss ukelele provides a stellar example here. although why anybody would be embarrassed about wanting to make the hot sex with justin "hips don't lie" timberlake is beyond me.

and now for my current GR3:



















WHO: william melvin "bill" hicks.

WHEN: from the very moment i first saw him open his mouth and espouse the gospel of his brain i declared myself a devout member of the cult of bill.

WHY: admittedly my wide-on for the unfathomably brainy (and unquestionably dead) mr. hicks is not nearly as bad as a certain lady-blogger's crush on another mr. hicks. but then again at least david hicks is ALIVE.

i love bill hicks for so many reasons i could write an entire blog dedicated to the subject and update it daily, perhaps hourly, without ever running out of new material.

but instead of going on and on (and on) about the very wrong thoughts i often have about the very dead bill hicks, i'll let his words explain it to you instead:

"You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: 'Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.' How do you know that? 'Uh, well ... we looked at the receipts.

I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of 'em. We're like the bullies of the world, you know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet: 'Pick it up.' 'I don't wanna pick it up mister, you'll shoot me.' 'Pick up the gun.' 'Mister, I don't want no trouble, huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, mister.' 'Pick up the gun.' Boom, boom. 'You all saw him. He had a gun.'"

i don't know about you, but i came twice while reading that.

NEXT!



















WHO: nick cave

WHEN: actually, i can't remember a time when i wasn't jonesing for mr. cave. i can distinctly recall several moments from my early teens in which my mother displayed grave concern about my obsession with sir brood-a-lot.

WHY: my love for the cave has often been ridiculed by friends and family. and i concede that there are many items on the 'against' list. but then there are the reasons 'for':

for one thing he's the ultimate slashie - singer/songwriter/author/artist/actor/screenwriter/kylie-minogue enthusiast/ professional brooder.

for another, he wrote 'murder ballads', a darkly humorous album dedicated to those of his critics who hailed him as nothing more than a wannabe poster boy for the gothic-inclined.

also, any man who willingly writes a book in which every second word will require dictionary referencing by the reader is a keeper in my book.

and lastly, i dare any red-blooded heterosexual woman to listen to the song 'black hair' on 'the boatman's call' album and stay dry in the pants region for the duration of the song.

his. voice. is. an. aural. aphrodisiac. from. heaven.




















WHO: "dino" from big brother australia, 2006.

WHEN: when he took brokeback david's criticisms about his attitude towards women and homosexuals in his stride and made a commitment to changing his ways. also in his eviction night interview with gretel. he just looked so damn cute!

WHY: he may share a moniker with both a cartoon dinosaur and kylie mole's bogan love muffin, but there's just something about dino. call it maternal instinct, call it pure loin-tingling lust, but this REFORMED chauvinistic homophobe (he's really trying to change, he promises) has me all a-flutter. although to be honest i can't work out if i want to fuck him or feed him. and hey, at least he hasn't turkeyslapped anyone (that i know of anyway).

the end.

for now.

peace out.

x

UPDATE: the comments thread for this post continues to be filled with people askig why wanting to make the hot monkey love with nick cave and/or bill hicks is in anyway a source of embarassment.

to clarify, hicks is on the list because he is no longer breathing, and sex with him would be both wrong in a gross way and illegal. not to mention extremely difficult considering that he was cremated upon his death.

and cave, well, its not that i consider my crush on cave to be a source of embarassment. but i've been ridiculed for it so much in the past that i can't help being on the defensive about it from the outset. riddle me that.

as you were.

x