i ain't nobody's second best
last night my flatmate and i were sitting on our brand new swivel bar stools, drinking chardonnay and eating white castello cheese on crackers with spiced pear paste. dolly parton was on the stereo and dinner was on its way.
good times.
until...
we got onto the subject of past dalliances of the sexual variety, in particular one of mine. let's just call him 'assface'.
assface was around briefly when i was but a wee lass of nineteen. he was a friend of a friend and despite (or perhaps because of?) his lack of hygiene and slacker lifestyle i fell in lust with him.
we danced the dance for a few weeks until one morning while we were lying in bed enjoying a post-coital cigarette, assface turned to me and said:
"i don't think i'm really all that into you. i just don't think i should settle for second best."
WTF?!?
WHO SAYS THAT?!?
at the time i could only stare blankly at him before hurriedly getting dressed and uttering something about him getting one last poke in before running humiliated from his house.
but the story doesn't end there. oh no.
years later i saw assface at a party. i considered ignoring his existence but decided to all about maturity instead. so i said hello.
the rest of the conversation went something like this:
assface: "oh hey."
me: "how are you?"
assface: "yeah, good. i heard you've had a rough trot though. i'm sorry to hear about your parents."
me: "thanks. its been an awful few years."
assface: "i imagine so. well, i guess if you weren't fucked up before i guess you must be pretty fucked up now then."
WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
WHO SAYS THAT?
cue me staring blankly at him again before hurrying off in a dumbfounded haze of hate.
luckily i haven't seen him since then. thank fuck.
and so ends the story of assface.
ain't he a peach?
18 Comments:
oh the boys we date...
almost as good as whispering taunts about your weight in your ear late at night, and when being caught out, answering "i thought you were asleep"
relationship highlight #1.
ok you totally win.
we shall call him 'captain assface the terrible'.
he aspirse to ass-face-dom.
Wow, just think, he could have soiled your eggs with his demon seed and then you'd be... umm...ahhh... well.. just like Britney.
Yes. That's it.
Just. Like. Britney.
So count them chickens. Seriously. count 'em.
thomasr
PS what is with... etc.
he is not only a peach, but many other kinds of fruit....ass shaped fruit that looks like ass and smells like ass and if you eat it, it tastes like ass, and people call you ass fruit eater the assiest ass that ever assed
ass
I feel sad. Assface doesn't even begin to cover it i'm afraid.
I think focus all your energies on Jonathan Brandis. He is all grown up now...
Bloody nora, I can't believe anyone would be that farking egotistical.
Assface the wanker,
Deserves a beating,
I'm a happy volunteer :)
ah, boysenberry, you certainly aren't the first to want to fuck assface's shit up good.
but you're the first to do it haiku stylez.
and for that i will always love you (the dollly parton not the whitney houston version).
isnt jonathan brandis dead?
if he's not, think of all the years ive wasted not thinking about the sex?
OMG LITTLEFAERIEGIRL HE IS DEAD AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.
this is a sad day for me and my teen crushes.
Jonathan Brandis?! O RLY? No WAI!
*bawls*
whoa..
dickhead much.
I hope you found the nearest fountain and drowned him in 10 cm deep water.
It's both a feat of strength and stupidity.
damn assface.
If only it was possible to channel that white-hot, stomach churning hatred into some kind of alternative power source, we wouldn't be having all these pointless discussions about nuclear power.
Some boys are just lucky that the electricity that it generates doesn't cause a reflexive punch-in-the-face.
Well done La Nadine for your restraint.
But you should punch him next time you see him. Seriously.
I like the Dolly version better then Whitney's. I've heard a very dodgy punk version somewhere along the line...
elo, that's so goddam crap.
What a cad!
Is he in Sydney? I fly back to Oz in mid December and could kick his ass and take pictures for you before I hightail it back to Perth? Oh, two thumbs up for the new profile picture as well.
Sly, formerly in Tanzania, temporarily in PNG.
I'm sorry to say this Ms Nads but the second incident was totally your fault BECAUSE you didn't poke your burning cigarette into both his eyes after the first incident.
A word from this wise old crone of the forest, if there is a third meeting, GET IN FIRST.
Huh.
I've said stuff like that before. Mostly in my "total honesty" phase, which ended when I realised that I hadn't had sex in 9 months. The point is, it sounds like you gave the comments most of the impact.
I'm with JahTeh and Gigglewick - get in first and punch him, even if you see him in a laundromat.
We'll all add him to our "fuck off and die" list.
Post a Comment
<< Home